Last week, I discussed the first two stages of grief and loss, per Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ seven stage model.  Everyone experiences grief differently and each one of us moves through these stages differently.  As stated last week, you may experience them in any order and any number of times.  For example, you may feel shock and sadness at the beginning, move on to anger, then return to sadness.  The important thing to remember is that it is your time to grieve.  No one should be telling you how to grieve or when to grieve. 

ANGER:  Anger is a common reaction to loss and often comes out unexpectedly.  It can be triggered by a major letdown or a minor problem.  At the loss of a loved one, you experience moments of “out of control”.  You may express these as anger-anger at your loved one; anger at your family who are trying to help; anger at the doctors, etc.  Anger can be the emotion that helps us structure our connection to our loved one.  The anger is just another example of your love for them.  You might be angry with yourself and feel as though you did not do enough.  This is very typical when suicide is the cause of death.  We get angry at the deceased and with ourselves that we did not know.  The benefit of the grief stages is that they help you deal with the loss and move on.  Anger can energize you to do just that.
BARGAINING:  Feelings of grief can begin months before the actual loss. 

When a disease becomes terminal, we often find ourselves bargaining, trying to get back what we are losing.  We often direct this stage of grief at a higher power, the doctors, or anyone who might have power over the situation.  We can become lost in a web of, “what if”, “if only” thoughts and statements. We can often have these thoughts about ourselves. We can remain in the past trying to negotiate our way out of the pain.
Though these stages are painful and difficult, we cannot avoid them.  Understanding what is happening and that there is something else at the end of it all-acceptance and peace-is a good thing.